Narrow Rebound

Feeling downhearted and unappreciated takes a lot in you. Lost in sad thoughts, made worse with people bringing you down. It's not easy to recover from a deep depression and even harder to cover up these feelings with fake smiles and misleading laughter. I have the habit of taking out my frustration on others even if they had little or nothing to do with the situation.

This never-ending cycle of back and forth arguments caused by the existence of people gets exhausting. Sometimes I wonder why people even butt in into the lives of others when all they're doing is making things worse. It seems like these people forces themselves inside the mind of the one I love and manipulates her. Feeling helpless and constrained by persistent beings that go out of their way to limit her time from doing other things. Things like laying down on my thigh as I stroke her hair and as she looks up, naturally innocent. Things like disturbing the smoothness of my hair or taking a nap, her head wrapped around my arms.

I especially hate those that believes they know better. Those individuals that attempts to tell you what to do when in truth they don't know what the situation is. I never asked for advice nor do I plan on taking it. Stubborn as it may seem, I know her better than you might know her. She'll act friendly around you but she'll act real to me.

Rebound. I can see it in two different ways. Recovering from a lower condition back to the former state you were in. Or securing possession over something, like in basketball when one misses a shot. In a way, that's what I feel like. A rebound. I was in a very sad condition but I'm trying to get back up. Also, Ris has secured her possession over me.

And she thought being a rebound was a bad thing. I mean, it sounds harsh. Rebound don't mean substitute at all. She never missed her shot because the one she took for was me. If she had wanted anyone else, she could have easily made progress over them. Why in the world would I listen to confused people when I believe her over them? And so, with that in mind, she took the opportunity, attempted the shot, and swish it went in.

In Terms of "Love"

It's been a while mostly because of unwanted dramas. The things we do, we do for a reason. But, some of the things we do are unexplainable and so it's best to just lay it all out and make better sense of it this way. Here's a rough translation of a certain special conversation on the twentieth of November (I hope you recall it):

A moment of pause.
N: "I love you."
R: "..."
Another moment of a longer, awkward pause.
R: "You're so cute."
N: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It just kinda slipped."
R: "..."
N: "What? I take it back...Hehe, I really didn't mean it."
A sad look given.
N: "Sorry already..."
A moment of pause.
R: Why do you gotta take it back for?"
N: "Cause I'll say it when we're ready."
A faint smile. Then, more silence.
N: "Ok?"
R: "..."
N: "What else do you want...I took it back already."
R: "Umm...Ok."
Another moment of pause. Then comes an uncontrollable feeling.
N: "Look, that's just how I feel, ok? You don't gotta feel the same
way now.I can wait."
R: "..."
N: "I've been loved you. I've been realized that."
R: "Then why'd you take it back?"
N: "Cause I knew you didn't wanna hear it..."
R: "No..."
N: "Well, that's it. I love you."
R: "Ahhh!"
She hides her face behind her hands.
N: "What? Can you blame me? I love you..."
R: "I..lah..."
N: "Why are you covering up for? Geez, Buu...Hey..."
Tried to rid her hands off. She pushes.
R: "Stay back! Why are you so close for?!"
N: "I dunno. Why are you hiding for?!"
R: "Cause..."
N: "Cause what? Huh?!"
The longest pause that seems like an eternity. Then, slowly and
carefully, she removes her hands away from her face. Staring.
R: "It's cause..."
N: "Yeah? What...?"
R: "Ah wuv you, too..."
N: "What? What'd you say?"
R: "Ahhh!!"
N: "Hahaha. Hurry, tell me. What?"
R: "I love you, too."
N: "Really...?"
R: "Yeah...I've been too...I've been in love with you..."
End.

It was a bit longer and much more funny. Yet, it was from the heart...
She's really all I need. I miss you.

Fears and Broken Promises

Questions about the future is my greatest fear as of right now. Although there was a brief time of being carefree and just living life day-by-day, I've been exposed once again to the sad truth that could possibly ruin the happiness I now feel. Promises of forever love seems to be on the foundation of empty and seemingly impossible grounds. But promises are what expects us to keep moving forward. It's that type of commitment that makes us strong despite the chances of failure. I mean we do fail in a consistent basis and so this can also be applied to the matter of love.

Promises aren't meant to be broken. They're just broken due to the fact that one or more party fails their side of the agreement. They aren't intentional at all. I mean if they were, why make that promise with someone in the first place? Humans can be cruel and deceiving but those dedicated promises that are created with true intentions from the heart are never, ever deliberately shattered.

As for me, I'm frustrated at the fact that the more I try and ignore the coming future, the more I feel like I'm getting closer to the end. But we can never end...Can we?
I hope not. I've decided that some things are inevitable. It sometimes feels like the more I try to change things, the deeper and more severe the consequences become. So I've also decided to attempt to look past the future and just keep making her happy. What else can I do?

The promise I made with her to be together for as long as life takes us is indeed a difficult task. Many things can easily go wrong. But despite this, I'm willing to see it in a positive way. And I reassure her that my promise is neither empty nor impossible to reach. She'll just have to bear with me to see how things unfold. Until our time comes, if it will ever come, I'll be the best I can be. I'll break through the barrier of my limits to reach not only my fullest potential but to reach her inner self. Right down to the core of her heart.

Twisted Philosophy

The more time you spend with someone, the stronger your bond gets and the deeper their existence means to you. Sometimes, you can't even let them go, can't even turn down the offer to be with them. And sometimes, their beliefs grows on you and you become accustomed to their personal ideas about the mysteries of life. This proves true to my situation. It's funny how Ris' beliefs became a larger part of me. She has too many of them to list, but I found that some of her ideas are pretty hilarious while others are questionable. I'll call it "Ris' Twisted Philosophies".

First and foremost, Ris believes that love truly is blind. It basically goes to show that in love, people look pass imperfections and flaws, outer appearances and status. Instead, it's what's on the inside that counts. However, to contradict her philosophy, she also believes that the main three aspect of the ideal guy for her is the hair, the eyes, and then finally the personality. Haha.

Ris also has a self-indulgence theory on food. She has no favorite meal because her favorite meal is whatever she's craving on the spot. Additionally, there is a time limit on her nourishment desires. The more she waits, the more her cravings dwindle until finally she no longer wants it.

Ris has an off and on button on control as well. It's like, when she wants to make decisions she does them. But whenever her mood doesn't take her on any conclusion, she passes on the decision on you. We even had a 50-50 partnership agreement. How the hell is that even suppose to work when it's either she wants to decide or you need to decide???

The most important philosophy of hers is the belief that she is ultimately correct in every situation. Basically, she hates to lose. If you argue with her, however, there's a possibility that you will win. But in the end, she wins anyways because she'll make you feel guilty and sooner or later, you'll end up crawling back to her to apologize for the mess you made. She just has this "Ok, you win" attitude that makes it so unrewarding to win that argument because she agrees undeniably which takes out the whole fun of even starting the disagreement. In other words, it's either she wins or you lose.

That's only a few of her basic concepts. Even though it seems that all of the things above is negative, it is actually the things that attracts me to her even more. And that's why I discovered that the best solutions for fixing her twisted philosophy is to not fix them at all. They're perfect after all.