Déjà Vu

School seems so tiring sometimes. Same routine, same headaches, same boring classes. What's worst is when tests and exams from different classes come up together making for a messy weekend filled with attempted studies and overwhelming stress. The exams just pile up one by one for some reason. I guess it's what they call the midterms.

To make matters even worst, I'm still losing sleep. I can't seem to sleep straight especially when you get all these weird and gloomy dreams! It's as if you never even want to go back to sleep again. I'm not suffering from any insomnia or anything, it's just that I choose not to go to sleep. Talk about a pain. Plus, everyone keeps making me think harder and harder about the things I do. Am I really doing such a bad job in life?

Just about the only thing I look forward to is Ris. It's the truth, too. Everyday is filled with constant glances at my phone to see if she texted, or waking up in the middle of the day to be disappointed that it isn't even time to give her a call yet, or attempting to do my homework just to find myself thinking about her again. Am I obsessed with her? I don't think so. I believe that I'm just missing her so much that it's slowly killing me inside. The only thing keeping me alive is the thought that I'll get to see her again anyways. Hah. Ok, maybe that's a bit more dramatic but in any case, I miss her a lot.

It's this type of cycle that's making me frustrated at times. Why can't I just end class already so that I can come and see my Ris? Especially when the classes are so pointless! I hate it. I'm better off learning on my own.

I've been having these dreams lately. Have you ever had a moment in time where a certain situation befalls and you're thinking "Wait a minute. I could have sworn this happened already..."? Well, that's what's been bothering me as well. Some of my dreams are so vivid that it seems so real. And part of it even comes true! Talk about déjà vu. I keep thinking that maybe some of the bad dreams that I've been having would occur in reality and it scares me. I just hope that it will never happen because although I may have seen it before, I would still be unprepared for what's to come...

Old Habits

Don't you sometimes wish you can just change some of the bad habits you currently possess? Like be a little more conscious of the things you do? It's not as easy as that though. They called it habits for a reason. You're already accustomed to follow a certain kind of behavior and without realizing it, you perform a natural act of what you're used to doing. For example, some people loves gnawing on their fingernails when they're drawn into something that interests them. Others have a habit of cursing a lot to the point where all you can hear is just colorful vocabulary that even you have to look up in an urban dictionary. (I know this has nothing to do with anything but...Haha, "I was just 'axeing' you a question"?? Geez! Ghetto talk! Haha!)

5 Habits I would like to change:

5. Racism: Everyone's a little racist inside...even with their own race! I have to stop thinking that every African American male will pull out a gun, that every Caucasian 'wannabe' is Eminem, that a lot of Latinos can jump really high (like fence-length-over-national-borders high), and that Asians prefer widescreen for obvious reasons (Although it would be easier to just open those damn chinky eyes! Goddamn...)

4. Procrastination: A lot of people have this in common with me. Things never get done because we get sidetracked or are just plain tired of doing things that seems forceful or too out of the way. I mean, who wants to do homework that's required? No one.

3. Laziness: People are just plain lazy. We might as well just stop breathing and just end life as we know it. Ok, maybe not that extreme. I mean, who wants to do homework at all? No one. Society and the convenience of technology made us this way.

2. Passiveness: Not in the way that I let people walk all over me, but in a way where I hide my emotions and try to push those that care about me away. I really don't mean it, but things like too much flattery or feeling excluded makes me act all cocky and touchy and as if I care little about it even though it means a lot (both negatively and positively) to me. Hiding your inner feelings can be a way of being passive.

1. Drama: The act of being dramatic is just old and tiring. In reality, people could care less about you're feelings and getting all emotional just wastes effort and time that could be well spent enjoying with people that would rather live carefree lives. Due to my paranoia, I tend to get all moody out of nowhere and I unintentionally take it all out on people that care about me. I sincerely apologize (for having my period...Just kidding.). Life's too short.

Oh, boy. There are many more habits I need to change but I'm working on it. I mean, I can always put it up for my New Year's Resolution instead. Uhh, there I go again. procrastinating about every little shit...

...What are your bad habits?...

Sickness

Hope you feel much better, Ris! Finish your Ramen!

Joy

For reasons unmentionable, I am surprisingly careless of the world around me now. Little things, as of this very moment, don't bother me at all. I feel immune to any annoyances and seem to be living a carefree life. I've learned to accept that worrying about things you can't even do anything about is just a waste of time. Who needs that in their life anyways? Living on a day-to-day basis is actually a lot of fun. I wouldn't call it "living life to the fullest" or anything, but I'm satisfied with everything thus far. I don't know why I even chose to write about the happiness that I'm feeling. I guess I feel like I just need to share it.

My negativity on things are below normal which I believe is a good sign. I don't even feel like getting stress over minor subjects. College is so-so. Family life has little to no drama. Social life is "Meh. Whatever." Ris is the best! I've learned to cherish everything that I have and have tried to just put aside all of the drama and struggles. I know it's unavoidable, but even for a short amount of time, I feel a great sense of joyfulness.

I'm even living up to being a little less fearful. I take risks now! I care little about what people think of me. I've even been taking up the challenges that are post upon me. Everything is just filled with laughs and the creation of great memories. It's surprising to be a little more positive than usual but the mood seems right.

I've been wanting to just go sight-seeing with Ris. Anywhere is fine. I just want to appreciate a view with her. Lake Tahoe? Twin Peaks at SF? Another beach perhaps? A huge park? Anywhere is fine. I'm wishing that Thanksgiving break is right around the corner. I want at least a whole day with her. I can wait though. They say that patience can lead to satisfying results. Until then, I'll try to keep up my joy.

Isolation

Sometimes I like to believe that friends aren't needed in life. They're just there because people don't like to be left alone. It's actually a lot like a bartering system. They need you for whatever you can offer to them and vice versa. It doesn't have to be tangible things either. You know, friendships can be created to rid loneliness or to have a dependable ally. It's actually a sad thing to think that you have friends so that you can use them when needed. I do contradict myself, however, by wanting to hang out with friends. I need them as much as they need me.

I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but it is what it is. Why else do you make friends? Cause you have similar interests? It may start out that way but as things progress, you will eventually rely on them for other things. In fact, a disagreement among "friends" can actually tear it apart. Does that mean that true friendship can only be attained when you have the same exact opinion on everything? I believe that true friendship is one where you can do something for them without expecting them to return the favor. But until I've actually seen it, it is nonexistent.

I was thinking earlier about some "friends" I've made in high school. As soon as college started, most, if not all, completely fail to keep in contact with one another. Sure, there's always Facebook or other online social networks, but then no one even takes the effort to hang out just for the hell of it. I know that I am partly to blame as well since I also don't take the time and effort to intertwine my life with theirs. I guess, people have different lives now and changes are always going to happen.

I fear of the change that can possibly happen after college. Will I lose the friends I make during college? What's the point of making friends then when you're going to lose them anyways? Sometimes, I feel a deep isolation because sooner or later I might end up losing all of them as life progresses. This is why I kind of just don't hassle myself with making a lot of friends. I have no incentive to do so.

I do, however, always keep my special girl close to me. They say that there's only a handful of real friends that you keep. I think she's one of them. Despite the changes that might occur in the future, I always want her close to me. I've realized that when I was locked up in a cold, dark place with nothing to see, nothing hear, no one to touch. That feeling of loneliness made me appreciate the fact that I have her. I don't want to lose her. I don't plan to lose her. Next time I'm locked up in a room of obscure desolation, I'd ask her to be my light.

Daydreamer

Sometimes, emotions can't be kept to one's self. Sometimes it's best to let it out regardless of the extremity of how you feel. From overly joyous to highly angered, you just have to let it out sometimes, you know. Get it off your chest. Because sometimes, the feeling just eats you up little by little. It's a burden to carry that feeling around all the time without having the guts to express it. People tend to have a habit of acting differently in different situations. It doesn't mean that anyone should be easily judged with their current actions.

For example, you know those people that would just stare blindly at open space? Then when you ask them what they're thinking about, they'll shrug and say "nothing". Kind of mysterious, huh? As if they were keeping a secret from you. That's actually not the case. According to my English professor, people that does that is in a process of "imaging" where they were visualizing an event or a previous memory but as soon as you interrupt them, the memory completely just exits their mind and they've lost what they were thinking about. It's kind of like that. It may seem like the person is not very bright but in fact, all that daydreaming is actually a positive neurological way of thinking. It stimulates the brain. Same thing goes with how you feel. You may say something but mean completely something else. Or you may not say something at all even if it bothers you.

I sort of lack the quality of being expressive. I like being calm and quiet, keeping things to myself especially with my current state. It's kind of frustrating in a way, too. It's tempting to just spill out what you want to say but you get a sense that sometimes it's best to keep it to yourself. But then you realize what good is it to have someone close to you if you can't even tell them your true feelings? Like when you hint that there's something wrong with you and they inquire you about it, but instead of exposing what's bothering you, you smile weakly and say that there's nothing wrong. Of course, the person would feel sad knowing that you can't even trust him or her with your problems.

I think everyone experienced that sort of thing. You feel excluded, like your help is unwanted, but you can't really do much since you don't even know what's wrong with your friend. And sometimes, you're on the other end as well. Like you don't really want to talk about it yet you show that it really is a huge concern for you. In any case, it's a sorrowful feeling trying to hide problems that disturbs your state of mind.I am, however, working on being more open towards Ris. Even though it's a slow progress, I'm trying my best to tell her any emotions that comes to mind. Earlier last week, I kind of shunned her out with what I was thinking about but hopefully next time I'll express every bit of feelings that I have whether it be frustration or sadness or whatever. I mean, she is trying to lend a helping hand and so who am I to tell her that she can't help me with my own problems? I should at least give it a go and tell her the difficulties that I'm having. You never know, maybe all of her daydreaming can lead to some of the more brighter solutions in life! So keep being a day dreamer, Ris! =]

Nine Eleven

Always Remember. Never Forget. This post is dedicated to the three thousand plus who died during the 9/11 attacks.

Happy Birthday, Kookies.

Opposite Attraction

Do opposites attract? It depends. I believe that in some instances, it does. For example, some people prefer diversity in their lives. You know, something new, something fresh, someone whose perhaps, completely different from you. In other instances, however, opposite attraction does not last. It fails to do so in relationships that soon crumbles due to conflicting ideas. In other words, it is difficult to maintain that relationship when it always ends with bitter arguments.

I believe that Ris and I were, in the beginning, opposites. Ris was very outgoing, friendly, reliable, but she also relied on others, positive, and was very outspoken around friends and strangers alike. Ris is a contradicting girl who's sweet in her own grim way. She is a Virgo.
I, on other hand, was a very scared, shy, unreliable, independent, and harsh person. While others would make friends in class, I would be sitting alone hoping that no one will ever bother me. I am a very negative boy who's jokes sometimes goes way too far as to make someone emotionally distraught. I am an Aries.The astrological signs alone says that we are opposites. Aries is very controlling and leads others to believe that he is a natural-born leader. Aries is very manipulating in a sense that it has to be his way at all times. He is selfish. Virgo is very forgiving and modest. She is simple and so, simple things makes her happy. She is very innocent and creatively intelligent.

But despite our differences, I believe that it was the reason why we were attracted to each other. And this is why I always tell her never to change. I've noticed that I am influencing her to change, to become more negative and harsh to her own self. I don't want that. I want her to act the way she naturally does. I mean, it's what made me like her in the first place. I just want her to stay the same and I believe that our relationship will remain strong. In our case, opposites do attract.

Soulmates

Having perseverance greatly defines one's character. Even when the odds are against you, you never gave up because you wanted to see it through to the end. How far are you willing to go for love? I believe that those that can get through the hardest times are admirable couples. I believe that those who can leap through obstacles that they themselves did not create are soul mates.

I had my doubts after hearing the complicated and problematic story of a young boy I'll call Pat. You see, I believe that he was a Filipino dreamer, looking for love in all directions due to the influence of the media. (You know, watching dramas can surely affect or create your romantic side...) In the beginning, I never thought that he was a committed fellow. It was because I usually see him with different girls at school and although it wasn't intimate, I felt like he couldn't stick with just one girl. Without knowing anything about him, I jumped to conclusions. In fact, I found out a while back about his relationship with a girl named Jem which changed my views about him completely.

As we've seen before, Jem's parents are your beyond-the-typical restrictive guardians. They are the Cerberus of her freedom, the labyrinth that will stop all suitors from reaching her heart, the shield that can withstand earth, wind, water, and fire. (I'm sorry for the analogies, it's just that I've been watching too much ancient Mythology documentaries, Hahaha!) In fact, they are the same parents of a mentioned character from my earlier post about Gel. In a situation like this, most will give up. In a situation like this, most will try and find new love. How did Pat get pass the three-headed dogs, navigate the maze, and breakthrough the thick, well-made shield? He let his passion for her guide him through and with the occasional hide-and-seek scenario, he was, for the most part, successful.

They would have these planned meetings without the parents knowing that Jem was seeing Pat. Being elusive in a very delicate operation is difficult. Once caught, it's all over. After getting used to all of the sneaking around, they've been in love for I believe one year and six months now. And it's still counting. What can I conclude from this fact? Well, for one, seeing your girl once after a long time can immensely strengthen your love for her. You get the feeling of not knowing what you have until it's gone. Secondly, anything is possible. If you follow through, it can lead to some surprisingly good outcome. Thirdly, love has no bounds. Nothing can make your love for a special person go away.

However, things can sometimes turn for some unexpected twists. I guess that one of the days that they were out, they got caught by Jem's parents. Had all of the effort gone to waste? Was it over for them? Did they call it quits and maybe someday they will still be together again? Not exactly. It's more like Pat had to officially meet her parents. I wonder how that went.

In any case, the longer something lasts, the more difficult it is to maintain. It says the same thing about love. But some love, because of the degree of its difficulty, lasts. I admire their relationship. Soul mates or not, they make a pretty good couple!

Only Time Will Tell...

Is timing everything? When you get the feeling that you're a hundred percent sure that you're in love, when's the right time to say it? I thought about how romantic it would be to tell Ris that I love her during her birthday celebration. I didn't know that anxiety, regret, and disappointment followed with it...

Point Reyes National Seashore, California. For her birthday, I drove her to one of the beaches at Point Reyes. The drive there was filled with excitement and joy as we had conversations of flattery, roadside point of interests, us, directions, and other small talks. Just being with her was enough. Listening to her amusing jokes, or her laugh, or glancing at her to see her smile gave me a comfortable feeling that made me relax. I felt like nothing mattered anymore when I'm with her. They say that you should live life to the fullest because taking everyday just for granted will lead to regret. I felt like I was living my life to its fullest and it was one of the best feelings that I've ever had.


With everything going so well, I felt like the time was now. After settling down at a decent spot on the beach and after much hesitation and pondering at the possible outcomes, I whispered and told her that I loved her. To my surprise, she took it like it was no big deal. It was as if I was saying it just because. She smiled and assured me that she was happy. But she never even mentioned that she loved me back. In a way, it was somewhat painful but also relieving. The ideal setting for a not-so-ideal ending.

On our way home, she told me that people say that if you progress in a quick manner, the relationship that you build will also go downhill quickly. I believed so too. I definitely agreed with this and so, I had a huge regret in revealing my burst feelings for her. Maybe it wasn't the right time. I wished that I could rewind time and just kept my mouth shut for now. The rest of the drive home was silence. She held my hand while I stared at the road thinking about the day. So much for perfect timing. I didn't feel bad or anything. I understood that it was all too much over a course of only one month together. I, myself, was unsure if it was the right time. I'm willing to take back what I said to her and save it for some other time.

I definitely don't want to force her to say it to me. That would just be false love. And so, I'll keep my head up and won't let it bother me at all. There's plenty of time and I've realize that living your life to the fullest is a good concept but there are risks attached to it. And so, I'll live my life casually. We haven't been through that much to call it love anyways. It's no big deal. I guess only time will tell...

To conclude this post, Happy Birthday, Ris! Why does it feel that even though it's her birthday I'm the one who got the gift? =]