Doubt, Fear, Regret, and Paranoia

Feeling unwanted and under appreciated is a painful thing to deal with. People don't want to deal with the possibility of being rejected and therefore, some, don't take risks. They fear of the negative outcomes and as a result, it becomes their downfall. I, too, am like this.

I try sooo hard to show my attention and care for Ris, but sometimes it seems like its wasted effort. Before anything, it's not her fault whatsoever. It's just my way of thinking and how paranoid I sometimes get when shit happens. I don't trust people easily and so it's already difficult enough to pretend and act casual at certain times. Yes, I pretend so much, acting like something's no big deal even though it really hurts inside. For example, Johnny Boy. Hehe... I act like he is nothing to me and I trust that Ris wouldn't betray me. But the thing is, every time Ris brings him up, especially the times where he would discourage her and make her feel like she is worth nothing, angers and frustrates me to the point where I am speechless. I don't want to show my constant worry for her fearing that she would think of me as just some overprotective boy trying to claim her. I'm not really like that and you may say some bad things, but if you were in my situation, you would be hurting too.

They say that they're friends. And of course, they've been together longer than me and Ris have, which means I have to respect that. The truth of the matter is, I dislike him. Friends don't treat one another with contempt. You don't even see that on Planet Mars. Friends don't take advantages nor do they force you to do what you obviously don't want to do. It's not that I don't trust Ris, because I do, it's just that I don't trust our friend, Johnny Boy.

But I have accepted reality and understands his actions. Being rejected is tough and sometimes the only thing to do is cling on to the person that you like despite knowing that "just friends" is as far as you can get. So, I will no longer be jealous when she gets a text from him, or a call, or even when she can't tell him that we're together. And if I'm not making her happy and she is tired of what our relationship has come to, I will, despite the pain it may bring, back off with a faint smile and thank her for making me a better person. In fact, I love to smile now. It's all because of her.

I mean, if one person can change you even just a little bit or even without knowing, then you know they're special and they will always have a place in your heart. As of right now, I am happy. I no longer have doubt, fear, regret, or paranoia concerning our relationship. I feel like... I feel like we're on top of the world.