Narrow Rebound

Feeling downhearted and unappreciated takes a lot in you. Lost in sad thoughts, made worse with people bringing you down. It's not easy to recover from a deep depression and even harder to cover up these feelings with fake smiles and misleading laughter. I have the habit of taking out my frustration on others even if they had little or nothing to do with the situation.

This never-ending cycle of back and forth arguments caused by the existence of people gets exhausting. Sometimes I wonder why people even butt in into the lives of others when all they're doing is making things worse. It seems like these people forces themselves inside the mind of the one I love and manipulates her. Feeling helpless and constrained by persistent beings that go out of their way to limit her time from doing other things. Things like laying down on my thigh as I stroke her hair and as she looks up, naturally innocent. Things like disturbing the smoothness of my hair or taking a nap, her head wrapped around my arms.

I especially hate those that believes they know better. Those individuals that attempts to tell you what to do when in truth they don't know what the situation is. I never asked for advice nor do I plan on taking it. Stubborn as it may seem, I know her better than you might know her. She'll act friendly around you but she'll act real to me.

Rebound. I can see it in two different ways. Recovering from a lower condition back to the former state you were in. Or securing possession over something, like in basketball when one misses a shot. In a way, that's what I feel like. A rebound. I was in a very sad condition but I'm trying to get back up. Also, Ris has secured her possession over me.

And she thought being a rebound was a bad thing. I mean, it sounds harsh. Rebound don't mean substitute at all. She never missed her shot because the one she took for was me. If she had wanted anyone else, she could have easily made progress over them. Why in the world would I listen to confused people when I believe her over them? And so, with that in mind, she took the opportunity, attempted the shot, and swish it went in.

In Terms of "Love"

It's been a while mostly because of unwanted dramas. The things we do, we do for a reason. But, some of the things we do are unexplainable and so it's best to just lay it all out and make better sense of it this way. Here's a rough translation of a certain special conversation on the twentieth of November (I hope you recall it):

A moment of pause.
N: "I love you."
R: "..."
Another moment of a longer, awkward pause.
R: "You're so cute."
N: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It just kinda slipped."
R: "..."
N: "What? I take it back...Hehe, I really didn't mean it."
A sad look given.
N: "Sorry already..."
A moment of pause.
R: Why do you gotta take it back for?"
N: "Cause I'll say it when we're ready."
A faint smile. Then, more silence.
N: "Ok?"
R: "..."
N: "What else do you want...I took it back already."
R: "Umm...Ok."
Another moment of pause. Then comes an uncontrollable feeling.
N: "Look, that's just how I feel, ok? You don't gotta feel the same
way now.I can wait."
R: "..."
N: "I've been loved you. I've been realized that."
R: "Then why'd you take it back?"
N: "Cause I knew you didn't wanna hear it..."
R: "No..."
N: "Well, that's it. I love you."
R: "Ahhh!"
She hides her face behind her hands.
N: "What? Can you blame me? I love you..."
R: "I..lah..."
N: "Why are you covering up for? Geez, Buu...Hey..."
Tried to rid her hands off. She pushes.
R: "Stay back! Why are you so close for?!"
N: "I dunno. Why are you hiding for?!"
R: "Cause..."
N: "Cause what? Huh?!"
The longest pause that seems like an eternity. Then, slowly and
carefully, she removes her hands away from her face. Staring.
R: "It's cause..."
N: "Yeah? What...?"
R: "Ah wuv you, too..."
N: "What? What'd you say?"
R: "Ahhh!!"
N: "Hahaha. Hurry, tell me. What?"
R: "I love you, too."
N: "Really...?"
R: "Yeah...I've been too...I've been in love with you..."
End.

It was a bit longer and much more funny. Yet, it was from the heart...
She's really all I need. I miss you.

Fears and Broken Promises

Questions about the future is my greatest fear as of right now. Although there was a brief time of being carefree and just living life day-by-day, I've been exposed once again to the sad truth that could possibly ruin the happiness I now feel. Promises of forever love seems to be on the foundation of empty and seemingly impossible grounds. But promises are what expects us to keep moving forward. It's that type of commitment that makes us strong despite the chances of failure. I mean we do fail in a consistent basis and so this can also be applied to the matter of love.

Promises aren't meant to be broken. They're just broken due to the fact that one or more party fails their side of the agreement. They aren't intentional at all. I mean if they were, why make that promise with someone in the first place? Humans can be cruel and deceiving but those dedicated promises that are created with true intentions from the heart are never, ever deliberately shattered.

As for me, I'm frustrated at the fact that the more I try and ignore the coming future, the more I feel like I'm getting closer to the end. But we can never end...Can we?
I hope not. I've decided that some things are inevitable. It sometimes feels like the more I try to change things, the deeper and more severe the consequences become. So I've also decided to attempt to look past the future and just keep making her happy. What else can I do?

The promise I made with her to be together for as long as life takes us is indeed a difficult task. Many things can easily go wrong. But despite this, I'm willing to see it in a positive way. And I reassure her that my promise is neither empty nor impossible to reach. She'll just have to bear with me to see how things unfold. Until our time comes, if it will ever come, I'll be the best I can be. I'll break through the barrier of my limits to reach not only my fullest potential but to reach her inner self. Right down to the core of her heart.

Twisted Philosophy

The more time you spend with someone, the stronger your bond gets and the deeper their existence means to you. Sometimes, you can't even let them go, can't even turn down the offer to be with them. And sometimes, their beliefs grows on you and you become accustomed to their personal ideas about the mysteries of life. This proves true to my situation. It's funny how Ris' beliefs became a larger part of me. She has too many of them to list, but I found that some of her ideas are pretty hilarious while others are questionable. I'll call it "Ris' Twisted Philosophies".

First and foremost, Ris believes that love truly is blind. It basically goes to show that in love, people look pass imperfections and flaws, outer appearances and status. Instead, it's what's on the inside that counts. However, to contradict her philosophy, she also believes that the main three aspect of the ideal guy for her is the hair, the eyes, and then finally the personality. Haha.

Ris also has a self-indulgence theory on food. She has no favorite meal because her favorite meal is whatever she's craving on the spot. Additionally, there is a time limit on her nourishment desires. The more she waits, the more her cravings dwindle until finally she no longer wants it.

Ris has an off and on button on control as well. It's like, when she wants to make decisions she does them. But whenever her mood doesn't take her on any conclusion, she passes on the decision on you. We even had a 50-50 partnership agreement. How the hell is that even suppose to work when it's either she wants to decide or you need to decide???

The most important philosophy of hers is the belief that she is ultimately correct in every situation. Basically, she hates to lose. If you argue with her, however, there's a possibility that you will win. But in the end, she wins anyways because she'll make you feel guilty and sooner or later, you'll end up crawling back to her to apologize for the mess you made. She just has this "Ok, you win" attitude that makes it so unrewarding to win that argument because she agrees undeniably which takes out the whole fun of even starting the disagreement. In other words, it's either she wins or you lose.

That's only a few of her basic concepts. Even though it seems that all of the things above is negative, it is actually the things that attracts me to her even more. And that's why I discovered that the best solutions for fixing her twisted philosophy is to not fix them at all. They're perfect after all.

Halloween Day

When my Ris cleans, she wears nothing but an apron so that her butt is visible. Of course, I'm just kidding. It's just a way to catch your attention. My Ris is one of those types that fears horror flicks yet she watches them when she's around me. I always enjoy it because she will hold on to me ever so tightly especially at the most chilling, gut-wrenching scenes. Although it does get intense at times, I feel her warm, scented embrace that makes it impossible for me to let her go. She's very cute in that way.

Get well soon, Ris. Taking that flu shot must have drained you down a bit. Keep smiling, ok?

"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
La Rochefoucauld

Distant Heart

Distance. I barely know what it feels like to be apart from the individual you love in terms of physical distant. A few miles can never separate my affection for her. This is why I admire those whose major obstacle is a long-distance relationship. It's a sorrowful feeling to know that you can't physically interact with your love. You can't put your arms around them, nudge them to express a type of joke, see their current smile, give them warm kisses on the cheeks, or just hold their hands in a statement that you will never let go of them. It is, without a doubt, difficult.

Knowing that it would be a difficult task, isn't it best to try and keep in contact with them for as long and as often as possible? I mean, opening up to them and expressing your feelings in depth can surely make the person on the other side of the line have a feeling of comfort. Even daily chit-chats can surely give them a sense of ease knowing that you can care less about the distant obstacle and be in concern about telling them that you made new friends or had your first shot of vodka. In other words, take the optimistic approach.

Distance. I'm definitely not an expert at it.
But whether you take that advice or not, it's up to you. I mean, what else can you do but that? It doesn't make any sense to keep things to yourself unless you just purposely want to end that relationship due to the extreme difficulty of the situation. Even staring at the same night sky can't fix being apart... But if you truly love her, you'll get through it. Just remember that she's suffering as much as you are...

Rainy Days

When it rains, I always have memories of my childhood. People tend to get sick during such weather. Some also hates the wet, humid atmosphere that seemingly makes it oh-so gloomy. However, I always used to love rainy days. Brings back the olden times where my siblings and I would strip half-naked out in the streets and splash around in the gray, beautifully circled pools created by such harsh precipitation. Then we would be forced inside to take warm showers and be engulfed in oversized blankets. The most memorable part of it however was the sweet, chocolate rice porridge. Its luring aroma creates a very pleasant sensation that drives you to believe that it's out of this world. Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration but when my mom used to make them, it really gave a welcoming impression and a hell of a taste.

But now, with so much more awareness in my surroundings, I rarely appreciate the beauty of little things like rain. As a child, a lot of details fascinated me: the way nature unfolds itself, the seasons, the clockwork of matter and things unexplainable. As I became an adult, everything else that has nothing to do with me became invisible. I no longer question how things work. Instead, I am constantly trying to improve myself in the rich, yet complex, society we must grow to be a part in. The things I do is almost always associated with the question: "How would this benefit me?"

Sometimes, I wish that I could be a child again. A kid with a carefree attitude, an unselfish way of thinking, and very innocent about the chilling world he lives in. Complexity is something that gives me headaches and is a reminder that you are no longer young and sooner or later, you must fend for yourself.

Rainy days does indeed give a melancholy type of feeling. It gives the world a very lonely and depressing existence especially when it is accompanied by thick, dark clouds. But through the mind of my early youth, all I would be thinking about is what rain would taste like when mixed with a warm, chocolaty batch of champorado.

Imperfect Growth

How do you grow to like someone? I never really understood what that meant. In a sense I guess it means to attempt and befriend one by spending a period amount of time with them. But what if it was force-fed and you try your hardest to like someone? Is being fond of someone a natural feeling? Does it just click in an instant and upon realizing that you do have feelings for someone, it just goes smoothly from there? Is it physical attraction? Perhaps you admire his or her beauty on the inside?

The social needs of human interactions requires us to have the need to feel loved, accepted, and part of something. This ultimately creates our self-esteem and builds for a desire for more recognition and respect from others. You know, feeling important and as if your actions affects an outcome motivates you into doing more. This leads us to believe that by having the right encouragement and support, we can reach our fullest potential.

But why is the act of socializing a basic need for society? Because it allows us to survive. It gives us a feeling of security and a sense of being somebody. It makes us grow into the person we will become as time passes giving both direct and indirect influences from people you have met in the travels of life. I gained a lot of positive, as well as negative, influences from those around me. Yet I still have a lot to learn about this intangible, mental state they call love.

My mindset is all in confusion as to what determines a legit relationship. Trust? I guess that's one factor. Comfort? I believe this is also a necessity. Honesty? But what else? I'm pretty sure I'm missing a lot more than this.

I am growing to a person that I've always wanted to become. Wearing a mask to have the ability to befriend others when needed. This facade is not always there however. The people I'm never a fake around is my beloved family and my best friend/girl, Ris. I feel like I can open up to them. Even if it's indirectly, they get a sense of how I'm feeling. From the sound of my voice, the actions I choose to do, the expression I give. Others can see me however they want to see me. I could care less about what others expect me to be. But my family and Ris means everything to me and so, I show them who I truly am.

Each passing day strengthens the growth of my youth in a way that makes me feel so alive when I'm with her...

New Heights

Thanks for healing my wounds...
I finally realized that you care a lot about me...
I knew you cared...
But didn't know to what extent...
And with that, the pain I felt...
Ultimately didn't feel like pain...
Instead, I felt happy that you were there...
A caring angel indeed...
We laughed to cover up the wound...
And with that, I felt almost recovered...
Thanks...
That's why I chose you...

Now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind falling for you again.

Just so you can come and pick me back up...

Sea Gods and Such

It has been officially two months since we've been together. And guess what? I've loved every hour, every minute, and every second I've spent with her. In fact, I never once got tired of being with her. Most of the time, it even felt too short. I'm very content with our current situation and I'm still very much fond of her. It never died, or changed, to begin with.

Recalling back to the beginning, it was scary to think ahead and the things that could possibly go wrong. But now, I fear nothing. Instead, I have a lot of confidence expressing my feelings for her. Time is just a factor that shouldn't even weigh down the special moments we have together. The experiences we have together is what counts and winding passed the bumpy ride that love takes you through sometimes is a glorifying achievement.

The Odyssey hints at the unlimited capacity of man when it come to the power of love. Despite the obstacles he was forced to endure and the sacrifices he had to make, Odysseus never gave up trying to reach his one and only love. Although he did have some affairs along the way, he never loved anyone like he loved his queen. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that life can posts you a lot of problems and though it is sometimes difficult to deal with, you can accomplish anything when you have a motivating factor, specifically the care, support, and love of someone. I mean, what do you fight for anyway? Why do you live your life day by day? Everyone needs to be loved and showing that type of affection is very meaningful.

I hope our fond for each other will remain the same. Either that, or get stronger along the unpredictable road that we sometimes need to just go through. It's ok to close your eyes, shed some tears, pray for a better ending. Hope is what keeps us going. Hope and love. Love and hope.

Happy second month, Ris! Stay cheerful. Keep smiling.

Comfortable Zone

It's been a long journey. Looking back at how we started and the fast-paced progress of our love story impresses me. Not that I'm trying to brag or anything, but I just feel that our connection is so much more intense in a way that I feel very comfortable with her. It started out with shy and hidden feelings but it finally amounted into a relationship that seems to be much more easy going. We can always kid around about anything. Our laughs are even sometimes uncontrollable to the point that we are close to tears and our stomachs would feel like bursting. Haha. Just thinking about it makes me smile.

But that's not even the best part. We haven't really hit a wall where we had a real fight yet. Sure there's been some drama but that's just ideal. Whether it's a good or bad thing, I love the way it is now. I feel free from stress and very much alive like I've never felt before. I hope she feels the same way. I don't even have bad dreams anymore either...or at least, I can't remember them. Everything's going so well.Recently, we went to this potluck, Asian buffet-style feast where you do the cooking and eating. I've noticed something so good. Well, I'm not really talking about the food (Although it was great especially when Ris did the cooking! What a show-off!). I've noticed how close we are now. When we were cooking and all that, it felt like we were even like a married couple! Haha, it was hilarious. Cracking jokes, contributing to the sweet scent of appealing food, small pecks here and there, drinking an excess amount of milk tea, feeding each other the cuisine we created, and so on and so on until our bellies bulged out. Simply, we had a great time.

The whole point is knowing that we are very much comfortable with each other. Ultimately, it's an increase in our trust for each other as well. I trust her, and I believe she trusts me. How do I know? She told me so...

It's been a long journey. But it's not over yet! We've still got Lake Tahoe, Freight Fest, Reno, L.A. (shoutout to Jam! Muhaha =]), Korea, Japan, Paris, etc., etc., and each other. We've still got each other... =]

Déjà Vu

School seems so tiring sometimes. Same routine, same headaches, same boring classes. What's worst is when tests and exams from different classes come up together making for a messy weekend filled with attempted studies and overwhelming stress. The exams just pile up one by one for some reason. I guess it's what they call the midterms.

To make matters even worst, I'm still losing sleep. I can't seem to sleep straight especially when you get all these weird and gloomy dreams! It's as if you never even want to go back to sleep again. I'm not suffering from any insomnia or anything, it's just that I choose not to go to sleep. Talk about a pain. Plus, everyone keeps making me think harder and harder about the things I do. Am I really doing such a bad job in life?

Just about the only thing I look forward to is Ris. It's the truth, too. Everyday is filled with constant glances at my phone to see if she texted, or waking up in the middle of the day to be disappointed that it isn't even time to give her a call yet, or attempting to do my homework just to find myself thinking about her again. Am I obsessed with her? I don't think so. I believe that I'm just missing her so much that it's slowly killing me inside. The only thing keeping me alive is the thought that I'll get to see her again anyways. Hah. Ok, maybe that's a bit more dramatic but in any case, I miss her a lot.

It's this type of cycle that's making me frustrated at times. Why can't I just end class already so that I can come and see my Ris? Especially when the classes are so pointless! I hate it. I'm better off learning on my own.

I've been having these dreams lately. Have you ever had a moment in time where a certain situation befalls and you're thinking "Wait a minute. I could have sworn this happened already..."? Well, that's what's been bothering me as well. Some of my dreams are so vivid that it seems so real. And part of it even comes true! Talk about déjà vu. I keep thinking that maybe some of the bad dreams that I've been having would occur in reality and it scares me. I just hope that it will never happen because although I may have seen it before, I would still be unprepared for what's to come...

Old Habits

Don't you sometimes wish you can just change some of the bad habits you currently possess? Like be a little more conscious of the things you do? It's not as easy as that though. They called it habits for a reason. You're already accustomed to follow a certain kind of behavior and without realizing it, you perform a natural act of what you're used to doing. For example, some people loves gnawing on their fingernails when they're drawn into something that interests them. Others have a habit of cursing a lot to the point where all you can hear is just colorful vocabulary that even you have to look up in an urban dictionary. (I know this has nothing to do with anything but...Haha, "I was just 'axeing' you a question"?? Geez! Ghetto talk! Haha!)

5 Habits I would like to change:

5. Racism: Everyone's a little racist inside...even with their own race! I have to stop thinking that every African American male will pull out a gun, that every Caucasian 'wannabe' is Eminem, that a lot of Latinos can jump really high (like fence-length-over-national-borders high), and that Asians prefer widescreen for obvious reasons (Although it would be easier to just open those damn chinky eyes! Goddamn...)

4. Procrastination: A lot of people have this in common with me. Things never get done because we get sidetracked or are just plain tired of doing things that seems forceful or too out of the way. I mean, who wants to do homework that's required? No one.

3. Laziness: People are just plain lazy. We might as well just stop breathing and just end life as we know it. Ok, maybe not that extreme. I mean, who wants to do homework at all? No one. Society and the convenience of technology made us this way.

2. Passiveness: Not in the way that I let people walk all over me, but in a way where I hide my emotions and try to push those that care about me away. I really don't mean it, but things like too much flattery or feeling excluded makes me act all cocky and touchy and as if I care little about it even though it means a lot (both negatively and positively) to me. Hiding your inner feelings can be a way of being passive.

1. Drama: The act of being dramatic is just old and tiring. In reality, people could care less about you're feelings and getting all emotional just wastes effort and time that could be well spent enjoying with people that would rather live carefree lives. Due to my paranoia, I tend to get all moody out of nowhere and I unintentionally take it all out on people that care about me. I sincerely apologize (for having my period...Just kidding.). Life's too short.

Oh, boy. There are many more habits I need to change but I'm working on it. I mean, I can always put it up for my New Year's Resolution instead. Uhh, there I go again. procrastinating about every little shit...

...What are your bad habits?...

Sickness

Hope you feel much better, Ris! Finish your Ramen!

Joy

For reasons unmentionable, I am surprisingly careless of the world around me now. Little things, as of this very moment, don't bother me at all. I feel immune to any annoyances and seem to be living a carefree life. I've learned to accept that worrying about things you can't even do anything about is just a waste of time. Who needs that in their life anyways? Living on a day-to-day basis is actually a lot of fun. I wouldn't call it "living life to the fullest" or anything, but I'm satisfied with everything thus far. I don't know why I even chose to write about the happiness that I'm feeling. I guess I feel like I just need to share it.

My negativity on things are below normal which I believe is a good sign. I don't even feel like getting stress over minor subjects. College is so-so. Family life has little to no drama. Social life is "Meh. Whatever." Ris is the best! I've learned to cherish everything that I have and have tried to just put aside all of the drama and struggles. I know it's unavoidable, but even for a short amount of time, I feel a great sense of joyfulness.

I'm even living up to being a little less fearful. I take risks now! I care little about what people think of me. I've even been taking up the challenges that are post upon me. Everything is just filled with laughs and the creation of great memories. It's surprising to be a little more positive than usual but the mood seems right.

I've been wanting to just go sight-seeing with Ris. Anywhere is fine. I just want to appreciate a view with her. Lake Tahoe? Twin Peaks at SF? Another beach perhaps? A huge park? Anywhere is fine. I'm wishing that Thanksgiving break is right around the corner. I want at least a whole day with her. I can wait though. They say that patience can lead to satisfying results. Until then, I'll try to keep up my joy.

Isolation

Sometimes I like to believe that friends aren't needed in life. They're just there because people don't like to be left alone. It's actually a lot like a bartering system. They need you for whatever you can offer to them and vice versa. It doesn't have to be tangible things either. You know, friendships can be created to rid loneliness or to have a dependable ally. It's actually a sad thing to think that you have friends so that you can use them when needed. I do contradict myself, however, by wanting to hang out with friends. I need them as much as they need me.

I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but it is what it is. Why else do you make friends? Cause you have similar interests? It may start out that way but as things progress, you will eventually rely on them for other things. In fact, a disagreement among "friends" can actually tear it apart. Does that mean that true friendship can only be attained when you have the same exact opinion on everything? I believe that true friendship is one where you can do something for them without expecting them to return the favor. But until I've actually seen it, it is nonexistent.

I was thinking earlier about some "friends" I've made in high school. As soon as college started, most, if not all, completely fail to keep in contact with one another. Sure, there's always Facebook or other online social networks, but then no one even takes the effort to hang out just for the hell of it. I know that I am partly to blame as well since I also don't take the time and effort to intertwine my life with theirs. I guess, people have different lives now and changes are always going to happen.

I fear of the change that can possibly happen after college. Will I lose the friends I make during college? What's the point of making friends then when you're going to lose them anyways? Sometimes, I feel a deep isolation because sooner or later I might end up losing all of them as life progresses. This is why I kind of just don't hassle myself with making a lot of friends. I have no incentive to do so.

I do, however, always keep my special girl close to me. They say that there's only a handful of real friends that you keep. I think she's one of them. Despite the changes that might occur in the future, I always want her close to me. I've realized that when I was locked up in a cold, dark place with nothing to see, nothing hear, no one to touch. That feeling of loneliness made me appreciate the fact that I have her. I don't want to lose her. I don't plan to lose her. Next time I'm locked up in a room of obscure desolation, I'd ask her to be my light.

Daydreamer

Sometimes, emotions can't be kept to one's self. Sometimes it's best to let it out regardless of the extremity of how you feel. From overly joyous to highly angered, you just have to let it out sometimes, you know. Get it off your chest. Because sometimes, the feeling just eats you up little by little. It's a burden to carry that feeling around all the time without having the guts to express it. People tend to have a habit of acting differently in different situations. It doesn't mean that anyone should be easily judged with their current actions.

For example, you know those people that would just stare blindly at open space? Then when you ask them what they're thinking about, they'll shrug and say "nothing". Kind of mysterious, huh? As if they were keeping a secret from you. That's actually not the case. According to my English professor, people that does that is in a process of "imaging" where they were visualizing an event or a previous memory but as soon as you interrupt them, the memory completely just exits their mind and they've lost what they were thinking about. It's kind of like that. It may seem like the person is not very bright but in fact, all that daydreaming is actually a positive neurological way of thinking. It stimulates the brain. Same thing goes with how you feel. You may say something but mean completely something else. Or you may not say something at all even if it bothers you.

I sort of lack the quality of being expressive. I like being calm and quiet, keeping things to myself especially with my current state. It's kind of frustrating in a way, too. It's tempting to just spill out what you want to say but you get a sense that sometimes it's best to keep it to yourself. But then you realize what good is it to have someone close to you if you can't even tell them your true feelings? Like when you hint that there's something wrong with you and they inquire you about it, but instead of exposing what's bothering you, you smile weakly and say that there's nothing wrong. Of course, the person would feel sad knowing that you can't even trust him or her with your problems.

I think everyone experienced that sort of thing. You feel excluded, like your help is unwanted, but you can't really do much since you don't even know what's wrong with your friend. And sometimes, you're on the other end as well. Like you don't really want to talk about it yet you show that it really is a huge concern for you. In any case, it's a sorrowful feeling trying to hide problems that disturbs your state of mind.I am, however, working on being more open towards Ris. Even though it's a slow progress, I'm trying my best to tell her any emotions that comes to mind. Earlier last week, I kind of shunned her out with what I was thinking about but hopefully next time I'll express every bit of feelings that I have whether it be frustration or sadness or whatever. I mean, she is trying to lend a helping hand and so who am I to tell her that she can't help me with my own problems? I should at least give it a go and tell her the difficulties that I'm having. You never know, maybe all of her daydreaming can lead to some of the more brighter solutions in life! So keep being a day dreamer, Ris! =]

Nine Eleven

Always Remember. Never Forget. This post is dedicated to the three thousand plus who died during the 9/11 attacks.

Happy Birthday, Kookies.

Opposite Attraction

Do opposites attract? It depends. I believe that in some instances, it does. For example, some people prefer diversity in their lives. You know, something new, something fresh, someone whose perhaps, completely different from you. In other instances, however, opposite attraction does not last. It fails to do so in relationships that soon crumbles due to conflicting ideas. In other words, it is difficult to maintain that relationship when it always ends with bitter arguments.

I believe that Ris and I were, in the beginning, opposites. Ris was very outgoing, friendly, reliable, but she also relied on others, positive, and was very outspoken around friends and strangers alike. Ris is a contradicting girl who's sweet in her own grim way. She is a Virgo.
I, on other hand, was a very scared, shy, unreliable, independent, and harsh person. While others would make friends in class, I would be sitting alone hoping that no one will ever bother me. I am a very negative boy who's jokes sometimes goes way too far as to make someone emotionally distraught. I am an Aries.The astrological signs alone says that we are opposites. Aries is very controlling and leads others to believe that he is a natural-born leader. Aries is very manipulating in a sense that it has to be his way at all times. He is selfish. Virgo is very forgiving and modest. She is simple and so, simple things makes her happy. She is very innocent and creatively intelligent.

But despite our differences, I believe that it was the reason why we were attracted to each other. And this is why I always tell her never to change. I've noticed that I am influencing her to change, to become more negative and harsh to her own self. I don't want that. I want her to act the way she naturally does. I mean, it's what made me like her in the first place. I just want her to stay the same and I believe that our relationship will remain strong. In our case, opposites do attract.

Soulmates

Having perseverance greatly defines one's character. Even when the odds are against you, you never gave up because you wanted to see it through to the end. How far are you willing to go for love? I believe that those that can get through the hardest times are admirable couples. I believe that those who can leap through obstacles that they themselves did not create are soul mates.

I had my doubts after hearing the complicated and problematic story of a young boy I'll call Pat. You see, I believe that he was a Filipino dreamer, looking for love in all directions due to the influence of the media. (You know, watching dramas can surely affect or create your romantic side...) In the beginning, I never thought that he was a committed fellow. It was because I usually see him with different girls at school and although it wasn't intimate, I felt like he couldn't stick with just one girl. Without knowing anything about him, I jumped to conclusions. In fact, I found out a while back about his relationship with a girl named Jem which changed my views about him completely.

As we've seen before, Jem's parents are your beyond-the-typical restrictive guardians. They are the Cerberus of her freedom, the labyrinth that will stop all suitors from reaching her heart, the shield that can withstand earth, wind, water, and fire. (I'm sorry for the analogies, it's just that I've been watching too much ancient Mythology documentaries, Hahaha!) In fact, they are the same parents of a mentioned character from my earlier post about Gel. In a situation like this, most will give up. In a situation like this, most will try and find new love. How did Pat get pass the three-headed dogs, navigate the maze, and breakthrough the thick, well-made shield? He let his passion for her guide him through and with the occasional hide-and-seek scenario, he was, for the most part, successful.

They would have these planned meetings without the parents knowing that Jem was seeing Pat. Being elusive in a very delicate operation is difficult. Once caught, it's all over. After getting used to all of the sneaking around, they've been in love for I believe one year and six months now. And it's still counting. What can I conclude from this fact? Well, for one, seeing your girl once after a long time can immensely strengthen your love for her. You get the feeling of not knowing what you have until it's gone. Secondly, anything is possible. If you follow through, it can lead to some surprisingly good outcome. Thirdly, love has no bounds. Nothing can make your love for a special person go away.

However, things can sometimes turn for some unexpected twists. I guess that one of the days that they were out, they got caught by Jem's parents. Had all of the effort gone to waste? Was it over for them? Did they call it quits and maybe someday they will still be together again? Not exactly. It's more like Pat had to officially meet her parents. I wonder how that went.

In any case, the longer something lasts, the more difficult it is to maintain. It says the same thing about love. But some love, because of the degree of its difficulty, lasts. I admire their relationship. Soul mates or not, they make a pretty good couple!

Only Time Will Tell...

Is timing everything? When you get the feeling that you're a hundred percent sure that you're in love, when's the right time to say it? I thought about how romantic it would be to tell Ris that I love her during her birthday celebration. I didn't know that anxiety, regret, and disappointment followed with it...

Point Reyes National Seashore, California. For her birthday, I drove her to one of the beaches at Point Reyes. The drive there was filled with excitement and joy as we had conversations of flattery, roadside point of interests, us, directions, and other small talks. Just being with her was enough. Listening to her amusing jokes, or her laugh, or glancing at her to see her smile gave me a comfortable feeling that made me relax. I felt like nothing mattered anymore when I'm with her. They say that you should live life to the fullest because taking everyday just for granted will lead to regret. I felt like I was living my life to its fullest and it was one of the best feelings that I've ever had.


With everything going so well, I felt like the time was now. After settling down at a decent spot on the beach and after much hesitation and pondering at the possible outcomes, I whispered and told her that I loved her. To my surprise, she took it like it was no big deal. It was as if I was saying it just because. She smiled and assured me that she was happy. But she never even mentioned that she loved me back. In a way, it was somewhat painful but also relieving. The ideal setting for a not-so-ideal ending.

On our way home, she told me that people say that if you progress in a quick manner, the relationship that you build will also go downhill quickly. I believed so too. I definitely agreed with this and so, I had a huge regret in revealing my burst feelings for her. Maybe it wasn't the right time. I wished that I could rewind time and just kept my mouth shut for now. The rest of the drive home was silence. She held my hand while I stared at the road thinking about the day. So much for perfect timing. I didn't feel bad or anything. I understood that it was all too much over a course of only one month together. I, myself, was unsure if it was the right time. I'm willing to take back what I said to her and save it for some other time.

I definitely don't want to force her to say it to me. That would just be false love. And so, I'll keep my head up and won't let it bother me at all. There's plenty of time and I've realize that living your life to the fullest is a good concept but there are risks attached to it. And so, I'll live my life casually. We haven't been through that much to call it love anyways. It's no big deal. I guess only time will tell...

To conclude this post, Happy Birthday, Ris! Why does it feel that even though it's her birthday I'm the one who got the gift? =]

Luck Has Nothing to Do with It

Luck. Whatever you want to call it, it is a circumstance in life that you somehow believe happen by chance. I guess luck shows that things can take place without the need for one's actions. It's a charming concept that people will rely on. Either that, or they take luck and blame it for any mishaps that had happened to them. For the most part, however, I don't believe in good or bad luck. Your actions and the actions of others determines the result of a particular event. Everything has a reason.

Let's take a traffic ticket for example. It wasn't by chance that you got caught speeding above the limit. If you look back, the reason why you were rushing to get to your destination was because you woke up late. You woke up late because you stayed up all night. You stayed up all night because you were chatting it up with your friend. It wasn't by chance that the police officer cited you for allegedly going above the speed limit either. If he hadn't taken a break earlier to eat a donut and drink coffee, he would have been on time for his patrol instead of fifteen minutes later. It took ten minutes to order the donut because the bakery recently hired a new employee and it's his first day at the job making for a delay in service. By that time, you were on the road and your typical traffic prevents you from going any higher than twenty-five mph. As all of this was happening, the police officer already consumed his last chocolate donut and was on his way out. As soon as the traffic clears you accelerate faster and by that time, the police officer was also on the road, on the right lane, as he turns on his siren after seeing you as a potential law violator. Haha. Wow, the point is that every action that you took is the reason why things happen the way they did. It wasn't bad luck that got you. It was your very own actions. You say, "Great! Just my luck!" No! Nooo! No! It wasn't bad luck, ok?! You did that to yourself!

It's easy to blame others (including inanimate objects) for your mistake just to relieve yourself from taking any responsibility. I have to admit that I do the same. I'll try and play it out so it's not my fault or only partially my fault. Yup. We make mistakes because we're imperfect and we pin the blame on others because we're humans. That's just the way life goes.

Everything has a reason. On the love note, the reason for living is to spend time with Ris and to make her enjoy life. The reason why I'm so happy is because of her. The reason why I'm head over heels every time I see her is because of her actions. The reason why I'm missing her as of right now is because she's mine. We met for a reason too. We met so we can be together. And now that we're together, I don't want to let go anymore. I just want to hold on to her. I want to be with her even after men begins to enjoy life on Mars. Maybe then, humans can finally become beautiful as the relationship I have with Ris is.

(Note to Ris: Haha. Good job at getting over that "incident"! Haha, even if it looks ugly, you can always paint it and make it look beautiful. In fact, since it's yours, it is beautiful. It's not your fault, it's just "bad" luck! Hahaha. =])

Three Little Words...

Some subjects in life are touchy and therefore, people will often avoid it. Though some subjects are unavoidable, it is often talked about indirectly. 'Beating around the bush' is a common practice to evade unwanted topics. There are also some topics that is difficult to express and therefore, it takes a misleading turn rather than giving a straightforward response. A conversation even between two people, people that are close such as lovers, can feel a little awkward when the discussion is something that takes courage to say. In other words, it take guts to speak your mind despite the risk of having an unsuccessful outcome.

For example, have you ever had a phone conversation with someone you think you might be in love with? The layout at first is usually small talks about school, people you're both acquainted with, family life, food, music, among other interests. Once in a while though especially when you're getting closer to that certain person, small talks leads to subjects that, to some, are hard to talk about. You know, subjects about marriage, sex, death, the future of your relationship, and so on. It is often difficult because you don't want to impose or give a bad impression to that special someone. You don't want them thinking differently of you and so you sometimes hesitate when you're trying to make a point about tensed matter. And so, pauses sometimes occur because you can't find the right words to say.

When you're trying to indicate that you like someone you'd do anything to give that impression, right? Sometimes, however, you can't really say it outright because you think about the outcome of it. It's not that you're unsure of your feelings, it's that you're unsure of the response she'll give you. It makes you worry about what she'll think. It changes things. For better or for worse? It depends.

Ironically, I too, am beating around the bush as I write this post. I don't want to express my feelings to the fullest knowing that I might change some things about my relationship with Ris. I mean, confessing that I like her became a natural expression among us. But, sometimes I wonder about other things. Things that are mentioned above. Things like what will become of us after two years. Or things like is she the one? Am I the one? You know, as of right now, I wonder when I'll get the chance to say the most powerful three little words...

"It's Lonely Being a Third Wheel!"

For those who has ever experienced being a third wheel, it's an uncomfortable feeling. It honestly sucks to be one. Feeling left out, feeling like you don't belong, or thinking that you're just there for comical reasons gives you this uneasy experience. Even though there's three of you, you feel like a loner. And so, it's sad to be the third wheel.

Sometimes, when I'm out with my friend, Learyan, and my girl, Ris, I feel like I should be doing something to entertain them both. I mean, I am their "link". Makes me feel special, right? Not really. It often ends up as silence, casual talks floating around, then more silence. What it really means is that I'm not doing a very good job at including them both in the activities or conversations that we have. And so, being the in-between guy is also sad.

Before you say anything though, I've also experienced being the lonely number. Even driving Na and his girl Shelly around makes for a soundless, excluded, and ultimately lonely state. Not that I'm complaining either because even if they attempted to talk to me, I kind of just respond with a "yes" or "no" or a brief answer. It just seems like the couple is going out of their way to talk to the cab driver (me) just because it seems like its a requirement to do so. Either way, I'll actually feel much worse knowing that two people are listening to you talk when in all honesty, they should be the one spending time together flirting or whatever it is they do.

And so, if you were ever the third wheel, I know how you feel. This is why I honestly feel some discomfort when the plans includes only three people. I don't mind it at all, but I worry about the happiness of others. I'm a pretty caring guy, huh? Not really. I just feel guilty whenever there's nothing to talk about between the three friends. But I always try my best to include everyone to ease my guilt.

I hope in the future, when there are plans to go to places, it would be an even number. Or at least more than three people. But don't think that it's no fun to be a trio. I think, with all the awkwardness, it's hilarious thinking about it by the end of the day. I've also noticed that jokes tends to be twice as funny than it really is. The reason? Laughing hard makes everything better...Haha!

(Note to Learyan: If you're reading this, don't back down from the plans we made to go to L.A. next year. If it ends up as just us three, it's really ok! You never know, maybe Ris' friend will still be single by then...Haha! How cute...a love story within a love story! =])

Selfish Pretenders

People are fakes. We hide behind masks to conceal our true selves from others. Some pretend to have lives that are much happier than it really is, while others exaggerate that their lives have been brought down by adversity even though they don't realize that they have it good compared to other unfortunate people. In any case, people are fakes for a reason: they are selfish in their own ways. I mean, look at this way. You improve your looks, you socialize with others, you become a follower or a leader for your benefit. Yup. Your benefit. Whether its pride or fame or fortune that you seek, you ultimately want to profit from it. All is well, but some people are just so selfish and act like they can get away with being so fake that they'll deny everything you say. Even as you're reading this post, some would say "I'm not fake!" but because you are offended by it, you reveal enough to say that you are a fraud. It's just human nature to pretend.

Although you don't see it, but someone had gotten me so worked up as to say that I really dislike them. I'll pretend that I'm still a "friend" to this person, but I really hate their guts. To start it off, this person has always been a fake to me. Acting like he cares about others but in reality, he only cares about himself. I'm sorry to say but he refuses to believe that he is self-interested. As stubborn as he is, I could care less about his denial.

I had an online chat with him once. We were discussing a subject on honesty. He acts like he is the most honest person although he'll deny that too just to prove me wrong. That's not what really gets me. It's more of how he'll act like he's confused and clueless about the situation and attempts to play it out. It's as if he thinks that everyone around him can't see the stupidity he puts on. He wears a mask just like the rest of us except his is a bit heavier.

I mean, you already have a girl! Can't you just be satisfied with one girl? Why do you have to meddle in the affairs of others? Do you really think they want you to interfere with them? Have some decency and leave the people that I care about alone...

Now that I've let some of it out, maybe my anger can finally subside. Ruining other people's relationship is just wrong (Although you are too weak to ruin theirs). You can say that I'm being dramatic but seeing the people I care about emotionally hurt because of the things you do without thinking, gets to me. Yup. Learn to have some respect and maybe we'll still pretend to be friends...

My Apology

I apologize for the way I treated you before.
I apologize for not noticing you in high school.
I apologize if I've ever made you worry about us.
I apologize for being a such a bad influence.
I apologize for being so selfish.
I apologize for being jealous.
I apologize for being so serious at times.
I apologize for being a killjoy.
I apologize for over thinking.
I apologize for not being there when you wanted me to be there.
I apologize for not being so romantic.
I apologize for hiding some feelings.
I apologize for never giving you flowers and expensive chocolate.
I apologize that I can only afford Pretzels in place of expensive chocolate.
I apologize for concerning you about my personal problems.
I apologize if I've ever made you feel uncomfortable.
I apologize if I've ever made you cry or close to it.
I apologize if my looks aren't satisfactory enough.
I apologize for making you my personal GPS.
I apologize for making you wait at times.
I apologize for not thanking you enough.
I apologize for being paranoid.
I apologize for not trusting Johnny Boy.
I apologize for not completely trusting you one hundred percent.
I apologize for not trusting myself one hundred percent.
I apologize for not having the guts to say that "I love you" yet...

You are awesome. Haha!

I don't apologize for being with you.
I don't regret the times we spent together.
I don't ever want us to end.
I don't want to stop caring about you.
I wish we can always be together.
I know we'll get through tough times.
I know that I like you.
I know that in spite of everything, you will always have a place in my heart...

Her Smile

How lucky am I to have a girl who's so genuine and so easy to talk to? To have a special someone that would sing to you and make up the rest of your day despite earlier troubles. You know, an exceptional beauty who's signature smile seems like the world is at a standstill as you attempt to capture every second of her priceless expression. In her own unique way, she would brush off the things that bothered you the whole day and replace the negativity with some wonderfully colored smiles and giggles. It gives you the type of feeling where you just tingle inside as if it was Christmas and you can't wait to unwrap your present knowing that it's something so valuable and something that you would treasure forever.

She has given me so much motivation, so much purpose in the world we live in, and so much support despite my lack of self-confidence. I am driven to be a better guy for her and I constantly think about how to improve myself so that she may feel like I'm at least half-worthy of her presence. It may seem like I'm exaggerating and a little over-the-top, but I ask you, have you seen this girl?! She is so sensible and so thoughtful and so real. When I'm around her, I feel like it's best to restrain myself because one of these days, I will no longer be able to hold back the strong feelings that I have for her.

I believe that we defy the rules of love. Lovers would be so proud as to say that they've been together for so long. "It's our two year anniversary" or "We've been together since forever now!" I'm happy for them, I really am, and I do agree that it is an impressive feat for a relationship to have gone through so much. But to me, time don't really matter, you know. I think I've found someone who's worth so much more than time itself. In fact, if I had the chance to, I would pause time and enjoy a scenic view with her and her alone. If life can be as simple as savoring the very moment that your with your special girl and not have to worry about wealth or status or the rest of the world, then I prefer the simple life instead. Besides, it's merely the beginning of our story together and hopefully I wont screw up that badly. I mean, I'm still learning the ropes of how to be a better boyfriend for Ris, so give me a break, ok? Haha. =]

I definitely don't take her for granted. My time with her is probably the only thing I look forward to these days. Even if it's just half a day, I'm glad I can spend my time with her at that instance. I mean, I don't ask for much except maybe someday I'll have the guts to tell her to stay with me for a little longer. I understand restrictions and everything but can you blame me? I can't get enough of her. She is as good as it gets. So what if I'm going crazy over her?

Next time I see her, I'll ask her to do one thing for me. One request that will give me a lasting impression of her. I'll put my arms around her and ask, "Hey Ris, can you smile for me?"

(Note: It is very difficult to put my heart out and although I'm at a lost for words right now, I'm always thinking about you. Freaking writer's block! Haha.)

Water Under the Bridge

If you ever had a sibling, specifically one who's slightly older and the same gender as you, then you'd know the feeling of constant struggle for control. Whether it be a conflict about who's turn it is to do a specific chore or a battle of the wits, it is a daily clash that you have to deal with. No matter what the circumstances are, you will always have to compete with your sibling. I guess it's what they call "tough love".

Na. He is my alter ego, a trusted companion, a fellow competitor, and most of all, my twin brother. We've had each other's back since Day One and, although there are many instances where we would argue, he is the closest friend that I have. Sometimes he is a little over the edge, acting like some kind of hot-head ready to explode on an innocent bystander but honestly, he is a sensitive and emotional guy. Sure, he'll act tough and tries to pick a fight, but you know what they say, picking your battles is wise but cowardly. In other words, he is nowhere near reckless. In fact, I consider him as a controlling and manipulating individual seeking for his one true love that he have finally found after so many years.

I remember when we were young and how people around him were "falling in love". He would comment on it grouchily saying how it was just "puppy love" and how childish they were to be thinking about love at such an early age. In a way, he was right. Childhood love is merely sweet but in truth, it usually doesn't last. It's only at rare circumstances that you see marriage between two childhood playmates. I've never seen it happen myself.

Although his previous philosophies about love seems almost mature and complex, he was still childish like the rest of us. Arguments and fights, not just between him and me, but other poor victims of his trash talk. To say the least, he was a commanding bully that needed some sort of inspiration to change his opinions about the grim, dark world...

I believed that his views started changing after he met a freshman transfer, a girl we'll call Shelly. In my opinion, they were like a pair from the start. It was as if Shelly was a duplicate version of my brother (And I thought I was suppose to be identical to him...). Shy yet loud around close friends, creatively artistic, overly dramatic, and hopelessly romantic. Even if they deny my claim, it's my opinion and there's not a thing they can do about it.

It took years, mainly school years, of quick glances, note-passing, distrust, and your occasional online chats before they finally got together. To make a long story short, after many experiences, both painful and gratifying, they became lovers. I hate to say it myself, but Na taught me something very important. Never take anything, especially your girl, for granted. This is the reason why you see me as the gentleman that I am. Haha.

I also believed that when he was influenced to change by Shelly, he became more independent and a little more caring. I mean, we've been through a lot as brothers and as rivals. But I think most of our meaningless conflicts has been resolved and, although there will be more to come, our relationship as brothers has gotten a lot smoother. You know, bad things are behind us now, it's already the past and we're no longer dwelling on it. Maybe someday we'll look back at the bad times and laugh while pouring ourselves a glass of milk tea. Haha.

Autumn Days

Expressing your most inner feelings for someone, especially someone dear to you, is something that's very difficult to do. Sometimes, you come across an opportunity in which you can finally say or do what you've been wanting to do for sometime now yet you choke and in a split second, that chance has passed on by. Then, maybe you realize that it wasn't the right time anyways and try to reassure yourself that taking no action was the right idea. Or maybe you feel disappointed and regretful that you didn't grasp that chance when you had it. Either way, what's done is done.

College. As a freshman, and having completed a week's worth of class introduction, schedule shuffling, material hunting, and peer conversing, it didn't really seem like a big deal. I wasn't excited or intimidated or even anxious to be back to school. I think it was because my head was still in the clouds that formed my one and only Ris. I've really just want to get over school so I can finally see her once again. Despite attending the same school, our scheduling was different and so, I miss her... a lot.

Call me obsessed (although I don't consider myself one), but is it so wrong to think about your girl once in a while? Ok, maybe it's more like "always", but at least I don't stalk her or tell her what to do or constantly call her to keep myself in check. I believe that giving her the freedom that she had always had would strengthen our trust for each other. After all, it's her life and maybe I'm just a stepping stone in whatever goals she might have in the future. Even if that's the case, I'm glad that I could be a part of her life. It just makes me happy to know that.

What we have is special. Well, I'd like to think so anyways. With so many precautions that we took, I believe that our relationship is stable and solid for the most part. There are some instances where (being the paranoid boy that I am) I'm somewhat concern about her. I mean, college is a big place, lots of people, potential love partners, more interesting individuals than I am, and so on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm scared to lose her to someone who might be a hundred times better than me. But until that time comes (if it will ever come although I hope not), I will cherish the moments I have with her.

I guess the start of college can be consider as a test of our wills, our trust, and our patience. I have her and that's all I really want. Didn't know that college can be a breeze knowing that by the end of Friday, you can once again see your Martian counterpart smiling at the very sight of you in a surprisingly hot Autumn day.

A Kiss by the Beach

Love, love, love. Some relationships aren't meant to last...
The mutual bond between two lovers are often strong and ambitious at first, but then their passion for each other often fall short from what it used it to be. On the other hand, the slow-progressing, complicated, and sometimes conflict-driven relationships start out with uncertainty but finishes with a strong sense of devotion between the two lovers. The difference? Trust and patience.

Ris and I had some talk about strengthening our bond through fights. You know, useless arguments to test if this bond can withstand any obstacle thrown at us. It was a touchy subject that ended in bittersweet jokes. Thinking back, it was a ridiculous topic that questioned the relationship itself. I mean, we started out very promising (with some ragged edges) and very committed. Does it mean that our bond will eventually die...?
Stinson Beach, California. It was the ideal setting but other factors contributed to a less romantic getaway. Originally, the plan was just me and her. In a turn of events, Jwong and Jill were recruited and eventually Learyan. Don't get me wrong. It's honestly fun and enjoyable to be with more friends but I intended to confess to her and with so many witnesses, it became very difficult to do so.

We did get some alone time. I remember how we sat on this bent tree under the shade of a forested area. It was romantic. I would touch her nose with mines hoping that a smooth transaction between our lips would befall naturally. It didn't. Haha.

The rest of the day was nothing more than a day with friends. It was a nice experience to be out on the beach and everything, but inside, it felt like a missed opportunity. Like always, I disappointed myself again and it was going to end up as another regretful day. As we dropped off Jwong (the last passenger), we were headed to her apartment. I asked her, "Ris, are we friends?" With the same answer, I started stuttering when I brought up the stranger and friend deal. I told her I wanted to be more than that and that maybe it was better off that we were strangers. Finally, I told her with a stammering expression, "You...you wanna be a couple?"
I apologize that it wasn't so romantic. In fact, it was so awkward that it took what seems like an eternity before she could respond. The response? I kissed her and she kissed back. It wasn't just a peck on the cheek either, or an unsure bite. It was more like a burning emotional kiss of a lifetime. Embarrassing to say, it was my first real kiss. It removed all doubt and we were "officially" together.

You lived happily ever after, right? Not quite. We started out very strong and I have confidence in our relationship that we will stay strong. You never know what might happen in the near future though. But I want her to know, that she means everything to me. If we were to break up now, I would be unsure of as to how I would recover. But, I'm not thinking about stupid things like that right now. I'm only thinking about her. She's mine after all. And I'm hers.

(End of story? Haha... Season One ended. (Talk about a drama...Haha) School just began. I'm up for Season Two if you are.)

"I Date Strangers, Not Friends."

First impressions can be deceiving. People might have different qualities that they're attracted to but it often revolves around the person's looks. Whether it be their eyes or their clothes, it is this kind of quality that provokes one to pursue another. It is never or rarely the inside appearance. For one thing, it's hard to find especially if you don't know the person at all. Even if someone doesn't look appealing to the eye, they could have a great personality but is often missed due to their lack of beauty on the outside. In honest truth, Ris and I met under the same circumstances. We were both interested in each other's looks and it goes on from there.

But....But, it doesn't mean that we like each other just because I find her very attractive and vice versa. It may have began that way, but it certainly didn't cease my endless fond for her. With this said, it made me wonder about certain things. Ris once mentioned to me that she preferred to date people that are not close to her (or strangers) rather than people that she knew very well (or friends). It sort of scared me in a way. As we were approaching the end of summer, the grand finale of the first season, the climax of the story thus far, we were getting along just fine. We were becoming friends and if you read above, she doesn't date friends.

(Don't worry, it's not us. We're closer. I love drawing before! =])

In fact, I always bothered her with the question: "Are we friends?"
She would smile and respond "Yeah." Everytime.
I mean, being friends is ok. However, the longer I stayed beside her and the more I really got to know her, the more I worried about being just friends. See, I didn't want that. I wanted to be more than that. I wanted her.

It kills me when I can't read her. I was clueless as to what she wanted our relationship to be. The confusion was built up by the constant mention of other men in her lives, the befuddling expression she sometimes gave, the teasing (Haha...all though it was some of the more memorable laughs =)), our uniquely flirtatious ways, among other hard-to-interpret scenes.

So, I kept thinking of the right words to say to her. When's the right time? What happens if she says 'no'? How should I do it? For weeks, it kept me up at night and didn't know if I had the guts to tell her that I wanted to be hers, and if she'll be mines. Who wouldn't worry at such an uncertainty as to confessing to someone you like? Maybe, I got the wrong idea and she just wanted to be friends.

Then I recalled something that she wanted to do. She wanted to just go to the beach. It was perfect: fun in the sun, our feet soaked in water and sand, romantic shades to hang out under, and so on. It was the right time to confess to her once and for all. The grand finale. But things don't always turn out the way you wanted it to...

Doubt, Fear, Regret, and Paranoia

Feeling unwanted and under appreciated is a painful thing to deal with. People don't want to deal with the possibility of being rejected and therefore, some, don't take risks. They fear of the negative outcomes and as a result, it becomes their downfall. I, too, am like this.

I try sooo hard to show my attention and care for Ris, but sometimes it seems like its wasted effort. Before anything, it's not her fault whatsoever. It's just my way of thinking and how paranoid I sometimes get when shit happens. I don't trust people easily and so it's already difficult enough to pretend and act casual at certain times. Yes, I pretend so much, acting like something's no big deal even though it really hurts inside. For example, Johnny Boy. Hehe... I act like he is nothing to me and I trust that Ris wouldn't betray me. But the thing is, every time Ris brings him up, especially the times where he would discourage her and make her feel like she is worth nothing, angers and frustrates me to the point where I am speechless. I don't want to show my constant worry for her fearing that she would think of me as just some overprotective boy trying to claim her. I'm not really like that and you may say some bad things, but if you were in my situation, you would be hurting too.

They say that they're friends. And of course, they've been together longer than me and Ris have, which means I have to respect that. The truth of the matter is, I dislike him. Friends don't treat one another with contempt. You don't even see that on Planet Mars. Friends don't take advantages nor do they force you to do what you obviously don't want to do. It's not that I don't trust Ris, because I do, it's just that I don't trust our friend, Johnny Boy.

But I have accepted reality and understands his actions. Being rejected is tough and sometimes the only thing to do is cling on to the person that you like despite knowing that "just friends" is as far as you can get. So, I will no longer be jealous when she gets a text from him, or a call, or even when she can't tell him that we're together. And if I'm not making her happy and she is tired of what our relationship has come to, I will, despite the pain it may bring, back off with a faint smile and thank her for making me a better person. In fact, I love to smile now. It's all because of her.

I mean, if one person can change you even just a little bit or even without knowing, then you know they're special and they will always have a place in your heart. As of right now, I am happy. I no longer have doubt, fear, regret, or paranoia concerning our relationship. I feel like... I feel like we're on top of the world.